Doing Right By Your Conscience

As children we have all heard the familiar phrase "your sins will find you out."  Even though it was used to scare or convict us when we were little, it is most certainly true. I guess to thoroughly understand this phrase it is important to understand what sin really is. Although there are many attributes for this word,  I do not believe that there is one definition that can encompass all of the entirety of its existence. I feel that the definition of sin, though broadly understood by individuals, convicts each of us differently, down to core of our behavior.  The issue that has brought me to this topic is more complex and difficult to address in a blog post but I will try to do my best.

For the last two years I have had two educational goals in mind: graduating with a 4.0 GPA and achieving the award for the Honors Program. However, last semester both of these desires were greatly affected. Last semester I took a Spanish course in which I received my first, and only B. My Professor was an extremely difficult person to work with and she often appeared to gear her beginning course towards the native speakers. After my final grade came through I realized that one of my goals was no longer in reach. Therefore, I took the honors credit 'assignment' all the more seriously. See in the Mountain View graduation, Honors students walk in line first, followed by the 4.0 students, etc. Therefore, I knew that if I didn't complete the honors scholar program that I wouldn't be near the front of the line.

Last semester though, I took a Biology course up at Mountain View Community College. I loved it and did very well in it! Early on in the semester, I asked my Professor if she was willing to give honors in her course. She said she was and so we agreed that I would volunteer for 15 honors through the Service Learning Program to meet this requirement. After I was finished I came back to her, roughly three weeks before the semester was over to inform her I was through and she explained to me that she had changed her mind. She would no longer accept my volunteer hours for honors credit. However, if I was still interested I could write a 10 page paper instead. I was extremely disappointed because I did not have enough time to complete her counter proposal.

However, several weeks later when I looked at my online transcript I had been given honors in her course. I knew this must have been a mistake because as I previously stated I has not completed the second assignment. I debated what to do for quite a while. Deep inside I hoped that my Professor had changed her mind and had given me honors anyway; but I knew this wasn't true.

Last week I decided to call the head of the Honors department and ask his advice on this issue. After explaining the situation to the Dean of the program I felt confident that he would speak to my professor of my behalf. A few days later my hopes were shattered. I received an email from my Biology professor. She stated that the Head of the Honors Program had spoken with her and explained that I didn't feel I had earned the credit and that I had requested its removal. I was quite shocked! This was not what I had explained to the dean and was certainly not what I desired.

I honestly didn't know what to do. I gave it thought over the weekend and sought the counsel of family and friends. All of them encouraged me to continue pursing the acknowledgement and approval of the credit. Therefore, this morning I sent a lengthy email to the head of the Honors Program to explain the obvious misunderstanding. He email me back several hours later apologizing for the miscommunication, but he stated that he would and could do nothing more to mend the issue. He said that if I was still interested in keeping the credit I will need to address my Professor directly. I am not sure if I will though, mostly likely she will remain steadfast to her previous decision and remove the credit as she stated.

If I had chosen though, to keep the credit, in secret, without bringing the mistake to my Professor's knowledge, I would have had to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. By deceiving my Professor, and 'stealing' the credit, even though deserved, would have been sinning. I have realized though, with the aid of my parents and grandparents that although I deserve honors in Biology, my honesty and integrity is far more important. God will honor me because of my behavior and he will ultimately reward my actions.

Empty My Hands

This evening as I was cleaning our church, I plugged in my headphones and started listening to a playlist of my favorite music. A couple of songs into it was one of my favorites, "Empty My Hands" by Tenth Avenue North. Although I love this song for the beautiful melody, accompaniment and vocal talent exhibited, I particularly love the lyrics.
The lyrics go as follows: "I've got voices in my head, they are so strong and I'm getting sick of this, Oh Lord, how long will I be haunted by the fear that I believe. My hands are like locks on cages of these dreams I can't set free. But if these dreams die. If I lay down all my wounded pride. If I let these dreams die will I find that letting go lets me come alive. So empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you."

Although I have listened to this song countless times, I don't believe it has ever impacted more than it did tonight. I suppose this song reached me exactly where I needed it.

For the past couple of months I have been really struggling with my future. I keep telling myself that I've given it to God and then I suddenly change my mind and take it back again. I know I'm not in control, but I have a bad habit of back-seat-driving. I get angry sometimes and try to decide where I am going to attend for college, what I'm going to major in, when and who I'm going to marry etc. Therefore, when the lyrics filled my headphones, I really felt like God was speaking directly me me.

Through the lyrics I kept hearing him say "Let me empty your hands, let me fill up your heart, let me capture your mind. (I have a plan for you that is better than your dreams and goals, just be patient and I will show you my plan)"
Before I knew it I was singing along with teary eyes and a softened heart. After a couple of moments though, I realize that the 'story'/'song' doesn't end there it goes on to explain the true struggles that come after a complete submission to the Lord. If speaks of temptations, loss, struggles and pain. Ultimately, though, when we are in the Lord's will we have nothing to fear because he directs our paths.

Therefore, my prayer to night is this: "Lord empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you. Please, empty my hands, fill up my heart, capture my mind with you."

A Year End Review and Plans for the One to Come: Gun Barrel City

Although the name sounds exciting and intriguing, possibly eluding to a mysterious old war town, Gun Barrel City holds little of the presumed energy and excitement that it's name suggests.  Over the last two weeks my siblings and I have tried to explain this to family and friends. However, it is best understood on a personal level. Regardless of its name, Gun Barrel City is a slow moving town, inhabited mostly by senior citizens and those desiring a break from the fast-pace of life. There individuals can purchase a lake house and slow down for an indefinite amount of time. In our case though, it makes for a great weekend escape.

Almost two years ago our family took a short vacation and stayed in Gun Barrel City at an A-Frame home, affectionately known as the "Hide-Out". Our original trip was specifically timed during a transition in our life. However, this one came as a much needed break from the fast lane of our current life-style, giving us a chance to reflect on the last year. 

During 2011 our family encountered many changes and challenges, both good and bad. These have included: Morelle's graduation from Mountain View Community College with an Associates Degree, Dad's participation in Family Music Theater's production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as Adam Pontipee, the release of our debut CD album, Living Commitment and our CD Release Party, the 'purchase' of a 'new' 15 passenger van, our summer trip to Alaska to visit family and friends, Elsie's college enrollment at Mountain View with Cora, Morelle's 'move' to Denton to attend Texas Woman's University, the passing of our Great-Grandmas Margarete West and Connie Andrew, and our attendence of the US tour of Les Misérables on January, first 2012!

Les Misérables

My Mom, her Sisters and Mother

At the Grave-Side Service for my Grandma Andrew

Therefore, after a long and challenging year of hurdles, our family greatly appreciated the opportunity to escape from our 'life' for a few days and enjoy the slow pace of Gun Barrel City. As an additional blessing, our cousin, Cody Cummins, flew down on January 4th to spend 12 days with us.  While in Gun Barrel we enjoyed running as a family, visiting stores and yard sales, watching movies, and playing at the lake. After three days at the "Hide-Out" our family ventured back out into society to tackle the new year. Although it will have its own challenges and struggles, I am sure that it will be just as exciting as the previous year!!