Countless articles and blog posts have been written for the benefit of individuals in a relationship with someone with ADHD. These articles often give relationship advice, discussing how to "cope" with the side-affects of ADHD in your partner, along with attempting to explain what a future with your significant other could look like. The underlining theme of all of these articles, regardless of their specific topic or writing competence, is that people, in these relationships, need to be open-minded and aware of what ADHD really is.
Although these articles present a valiant effort, I believe that there is a serious gap between the opinions of those 'on the outside looking in' and those living and loving in these ADHD relationships. Therefore, I propose sharing my own relationship story as a different look into an ADHD relationship.
For the last ten and a half months I have been dating by best friend, Joseph Rattle. If you know Joseph and are close to him, he may have shared with you that he has ADHD*.
When I met Joseph, I was completely unaware that he exhibited characteristics of ADHD. To my knowledge, I had never interacted with anyone specifically who had it and therefore, I was almost completely unaware of what it would look like in someone. Joseph was everything I wanted in a man though. He was godly, kind, sweet, patient, thoughtful, a good listener, and a wonderful friend. He far surpassed any of my previous images of a significant other.
When we met, we were both working at a summer camp and after seeing each other on a daily basis for months it because very evident to both of us that we saw something deeper and more serious in each other than simply friendship.
After we started dating and began learning more about each other, Joseph vulnerably shared with me about his ADHD, how it affects his life, and has created fears and insecurities about the future. He shared with me how ADHD had created struggles at points in his life and how occasionally he has been forced to restructure or handle situations differently because of it. However, never once did he act like a martyr or expect to be treated differently than anyone else.
I would be lying if I said that Joseph's ADHD has not affected our relationship. However, by no means has it been a negative asset for us. At points it has been challenging. We have had to work extra hard sometimes to accomplish tasks, organize for life, or plan activities, but all of these have been a good thing, giving us even more quality time together as a couple.
Yes, being in a relationship with someone with ADHD is different, but every relationship is different. Is it hard to love someone with ADHD? No! Falling in love with Joseph was one of the most natural things I've ever done.
All this being said however, I acknowledge that my future will look differently. Loving and living in a relationship with someone with ADHD may be a challenge at times; however, I see my relationship with Joseph, as the biggest blessing I've ever had. Loving him has taught me so many lessons.
First, I have learned that
patience is key. Every relationship takes patience. Your significant other is bound to do or say things that bother will you every now and then, he/she is certain to have flaws that will need time for improvement. Without or without ADHD, patience is so important to the success of a relationship.
Second,
flexibility is vital. Being in a relationship requires a significant amount of flexibility. In our relationship, there are times when addressing Joseph's ADHD or spending additional time working on something is more important than following a strict schedule or plan. However, although flexibility has been helpful in an ADHD relationship, it can be useful in all relationships as well.
The third thing I've learned is that
attention is meaningful. From Joey I have learned that to someone with ADHD receiving attention is very important. Not only is quality time his top love language but attention truly helps him feel needed and appreciated. For example, it is extremely significant to him when I take the time to listen, or simply spend time doing something silly with him.
A fourth thing I have learned from being in a relationship with Joseph is that
communication is essential. While being in a relationship with someone with ADHD, communication is paramount. It is unbelievably important to talk through things. When there is a lack of communication there is a lack of reassurance and a greater amount of distrust, fear, and confusion. The easiest way to handle this is to simply talk, share, and communicate.
The last and final thing I've learned from being in an ADHD relationship is that
not being serious doesn't mean there is a lack of maturity. Although some people may consider individuals with ADHD to be immature due to their hobbies, pastimes, or carefree nature at points, I have discovered that individuals with ADHD often use silliness or playful pastimes to cope with the stress and pressure that normal life offers them. It is a way to break out of that norm and enjoy themselves and life. Although others may see this as immaturity, I consider it to be quite the opposite because these individuals have discovered a way to live their lives in a balanced way.
Okay, so I've rambled on and on about ADHD, my relationship, and my insights on the topic. However by no means do I claim to be an expert. I merely desired to share my own personal relationship story in an effort to raise awareness about ADHD. I wanted to share that ADHD individuals, although different from others, are unique, special and valuable in relationships and although a future and relationship with them may appear different, I know that if you open your heart to one, they will love you faithfully.
*Note: Joseph has read, approved, and is comfortable with all of this post and is honored to share his story with me.
